Alcoholic beverage consumption is a popular pastime on many college campuses. After knocking a few back, most students spend the night at a party, a club, or a bar.
Others – the more “creative” of the bunch – go to student stores. Completely wasted. In the early hours of the day.
Drunk customers are the highlight of my long days, providing a circus-like entertainment. Look at the great intoxicated man as he struggles to buy his Pop Tarts!
In my observation, there are 3 types of drunk customers.
1. Those who specifically say “I’m drunk,” as if the wafting smell of vodka wasn’t enough to confirm their intoxication. This species of customer is usually chatty, giggly and unnecessarily loud.
2. Those who try to hide their drunkenness. This type of customer is sheepish and nearly silent. Some, it seems, are even embarrassed to be drunk. (One has to wonder: if public drunkenness embarrass you, then why are you drunk in public??)
3. Those who fall into neither of the above categories but rather stagger around the store and utter complete nonsense. They are my favorite.
Example of type 3: At 10 AM, a clearly inebriated man enters the store, only to walk two feet before tripping on one of our rubber floor mats. Confused, he gathers himself. The plastered man, who is now mysteriously winded, reaches for a Snickers. He misses. Fail. Try two, he is successful. Way to go, drunk man. Way to go.
Tossing the candy bar on the counter, he opens his wallet and hands me a dollar. Drunky then turns to look out the window, where a long line has formed in front of the campus dining halls. He asks, “What’s the deal with the line?” At least, that’s what I think he asked, judging strictly from his general hand motions. I politely explain that parents get free lunch during their children’s college orientation (a.k.a it’s lunchtime, and they are lining up for food).
The customer takes a few seconds to process this and ponder. Hmmmm.
Then, after a slight hesitation, he draws in a seriously deep, puff-chested breath, like he’s trying to suck in the whole store. And when he lets out his liquor-soaked breath, a long, exaggerated “GAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY” comes out with it.
…….What??
Gay? Did he really just, well, belch the word Gay? Because a line of parents is blatantly homosexual?
Let me say, I’m not a politically correct person. The “gay” response in no way offended me or made me want to report him to the PC police. But his response, this strong whiff of GAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY, was laughably stunning.
He took his Snickers and shuffled into the distance.
I check you out. 